SHOW DON’T TELL
They drove for hours. The clouds broke, letting in patches of blue sky and the day grew warmer. Past Little Rock the flat lands of the Arkansas delta gave way to the rolling foothills of the Ouachita Mountains and sometime after Hot Springs the generator pulled south and they left U.S. 70 for a two-lane blacktop that wound through dense pines.
Past Little Rock the flat lands of the Arkansas delta gave way to the rolling foothills of the Ouachita Mountains, and sometime after Hot Springs the generator pulled south and they left U.S. 70 for a two-lane blacktop that wound through dense pines. The clouds broke, revealing patches of blue sky and the day grew warmer.
(Sometimes, instead of rewriting the telling line, just drop it and rearrange the rest. If that doesn’t work, write a new version.)
(Note below, I do begin by telling—Summary Mode—to avoid the “suddenly” the chronological order might involve. Also, emotional reaction is intensified. Never use an apathetic reaction.)
Draft:
The tall man felt the shock of the offspring’s demise and knew that the boy had destroyed them.
He was in his tent taking lunch: a tremendous platter of slathered barbequed beef and potato salad, accompanied by beer and a peach cobbler for desert. He had developed a fondness for Western cuisine. Nothing like the spicy dishes of the East but entertaining. Outside, speakers blasted rock and roll and from up the road came the roar of bikers ripping up the tarmac.
Concerned, he wiped his mouth and hands on his napkin, rose and went to his trunk.
Revision:
The tall man felt the shock of the offspring’s demise and knew the boy had destroyed them.
He was in his tent taking lunch: a tremendous platter of slathered barbequed beef and potato salad, accompanied by beer and a peach cobbler for desert. He had developed a fondness for Western cuisine. Nothing like the spicy dishes of the East but entertaining. Outside, riffs of heavy metal wailed over the camp. From up the road came the roar of bikers ripping up the tarmac, racing each other much as Arabian and Mongolian horse warriors had done for thousands of years.
The change hit him like a fist. He sat bolt upright. When he recovered, he swiped his hands on a napkin and went to his trunk.
THE “KNOWN” AND THE “NEW”
To make your paragraphs more cohesive, begin with what is already known, then introduce new information. The Known and the New is also a great way to link chapters, provide continuing conflict and intensify emotion.
Emotions are usually powerfully negative when they carry over from action to reaction scenes. Or a scene may go from worried or fearful to elated. The next scene can begin elated only to have that positive feeling crushed either by doubts, a negative turn of events or a nasty revelation.
If a chapter ends with a couple having a blow up. The following chapter must pick up where the previous chapter left off emotionally. Here the following chapter shows my character at work.
Draft:
The Saturday evening crowd was quieter than usual. Even the college boys in the big corner booth who usually gave her grief were subdued. The reason was obvious.
The woman sat alone in a window booth, (etc)
(Note, no reference to Fergi’s emotional state. No reference to her residual anger.)
Revision:
Fergi was still fuming at work an hour later.
Another example: At the end of a chapter, my viewpoint character undergoes a frightening experience. The next time we see her we expect to experience her reaction. If I opened her next viewpoint scene with her quickly getting over her terror, I lose all tension.
She remembered the notebook bursting into flame and felt a stab of fear.
In the cooling air of the garden, Fergi’s nausea passed. She was full of questions but speechless with the shock of seeing the image from Rick’s notebook—the serpent eye of his dream—come alive. After the horrors she had experienced in the past year and the withering cold of the shadow looming over her in their kitchen, she should be immune to such wonders, but she found herself terrified and wandering in a fog.
The Lady took her arm and guided her to a bench within a trellised bower of climbing roses. The flowers’ scent was heady and calming.
(Note how “nausea passed” and “the flowers’ scent was calming” loses the chance to make emotion more intense!)
She remembered the notebook bursting into flame and felt sick to her stomach.
In the cooling air of the garden, Fergi’s illness slowly passed. The motes of white light that swirled in her vision, the roar in her head faded. She realized she had just undergone a full-blown panic attack. Despite the sunshine and the birdsong, the garden no longer seemed a bright place, as if a shadow had crept over the world and it would never be bright again. Questions like a flock of frantic caged birds beat in her throat, but she was speechless with the shock of seeing the image from Rick’s notebook—the serpent eye of his dream—come alive. After the horrors she had experienced in the past year and the withering cold of the shadow looming over her in their kitchen, she should be immune to such wonders, but she found herself terrified and staggering through a fog.
The Lady guided her to a bench within a trellised bower of climbing roses. The flowers’ scent was cloying and her nausea threatened to erupt again.
(Showing takes more words but is more exciting to read.)
HOW TO EXPAND A SCENE
First “showing” instead of “telling” will expand a scene. Link showing to emotion in action, dialogue, physical display and mental state. In a reaction scene, link emotional transition to the analytical process.
Draft:
A Detective Martin warned them not to speak to reporters about the crime scene and gave them his card. From the look on the policeman’s face, Rick figured this wasn’t the first such scene the police had visited. He was dying to tell someone about the shadow but was afraid of endangering them. It was as if he was caught in his own personal web and anyone else falling in was doomed. He had to know if others had seen what he had or if his sanity had taken a hike.
So next morning, on his way to pick up curtain rods, he stopped off at McDonald’s and Googled shadow corpse desiccated eviscerated feeding cadaver…and came up with:
Revision:
A Detective Martin warned them not to speak to reporters about the crime scene and gave them his card. His face was pale and the circles under his eyes told Rick this wasn’t the first such scene the police had visited.
Rick kept what he saw to himself. The police would be looking for a rational--human—explanation for the bodies. If he told them he believed the killer was an eight-foot-tall shadow that walked through walls, they’d think him unhinged. But he was certain he was right. One night a dead man issues a warning; the next a creature from nightmare appears in a room where a young woman has been brutally murdered, her remains curled in the bottom of the tub like some crumbling mummy though she had died within the hour.
He’d wasn’t superstitious, but after tonight, he wondered if perhaps there was something to vampires. Had he seen the source that spawned the legends?
And the woman from the flea market? Who was she? He touched his tunic, felt the crystal beneath the fabric. It had saved him. Without it, would he be like the girl, his body stretched like rags over his skeleton, hands like dead birds, face crumpled as if in a state of advanced decay?
He and Mack rode back to the station in silence. Mack, an ex-Army medic with eight years on the Memphis EMS, sat pale and slack-mouthed as Rick drove slowly, his hands locked on the steering wheel, his shoulders hunched, his head roaring with questions and visions. The need to tell someone about the dead man’s warning, about the shadow, was eating him alive.
Maybe Fergi was right! Maybe they should run! But he got the feeling it was too late, time was running out and there was nowhere to run. Worse was the fear that he would endanger anyone he told. He felt caught in his own personal web and anyone falling in with him was doomed. He had to know if others had seen the shadow or if his sanity had taken a hike.
So next morning, on his way to pick up curtain rods, he stopped off at McDonald’s and Googled shadow corpse desiccated eviscerated feeding cadaver…and came up with:
FILTERING WORDS
Filter words are verbs that create psychic distance. They come between you and the reader. It is better to show than to tell, and filtering words tell.
Some examples are see, hear, think, touch, smell, wonder, realize, watch, look, seem, feel, worry, fear, decide, sound, know, notice, note, to be able to, seem to be able to, appear, consider, hope, realize, decide.
Do not tell:
She felt afraid or She was terrified.
Instead show the emotion through the character’s senses:
An iron band squeezed her heart. Her hands shook. A wave of heat washed over her. The creature was close. She felt its breath on her throat.
Especially eliminate filtering phrases such as He/She felt, realized, sensed, decided, considered, wondered, etc., followed by “that.”
Realized:
Now that he faced the demon, he realized he had no plan.
Now that he faced the demon, he had no plan.
He realized the Sorcerer was summoning something from the turbulence at his back.
The Sorcerer was summoning something from the turbulence at his back.
Occasionally, “realized” makes better sense—when the act of realization itself is important:
He had not realized till now how much mankind stood to lose: not just the world or life, but his Destiny.
Moths of panic beat in his chest when he realized his mistake.
Saw:
He went to the window. In the street below, he saw people waving signs and chanting “Stop the War” gathered in the square. But then he saw them turning, suddenly aware something was happening. And now the police poured in from adjoining streets.
He went to the window. People waving signs and chanting “Stop the war” were gathered in the square. Abruptly the chanting stopped, signs lowered, as the crowd grew aware something was happening. Police poured in from adjoining streets.
Felt:
Sarah felt a sinking feeling as she realized she’d forgotten her purse back at the cafe across the street. She saw cars filing past, their bumpers end-to-end. She heard the impatient honk of horns and wondered how she could quickly cross the busy road before someone took off with her bag. But the traffic seemed impenetrable, and she decided to run to the intersection at the end of the block.
Sarah’s stomach sank. Her purse—she’d forgotten it back at the cafe across the street. Cars filed past, their bumpers end-to-end. Horns honked impatiently. Could she make it across the road before someone took off with her bag? She ran past the impenetrable stream of traffic, toward the intersection at the end of the block.
Sometimes you do want a filter word. Sometimes you want to show your viewpoint character seeing or hearing or wondering, usually to show the emotional reaction:
He watched the kids play basketball.
She heard the radio, but the noise didn’t register in her mind.
The professor gasped as a clawed hand seized his throat. Over the blood-roar that filled his head, Wally was dimly aware of people screaming and running, of chairs clattering to the ground as the audience stormed the auditorium doors. For a paralyzing moment, he watched Kasparek slump in the giant’s hand. The man’s mouth gaped in a silent scream, and as if caught by a time-lapse camera, his face shrank inward on itself, his body shriveled and his clothes collapsed.
CAUSE BEFORE EFFECT
Wrong:
Fear streaked up his spine when he saw the snake.
Right:
He saw the snake. Fear streaked up his spine.
Use “then” instead of “and” connecting actions that are not simultaneous:
Wrong:
She called 911, went to the car, and drove to the hospital.
Right:
She called 911, went to the car, then drove to the hospital.
Wrong:
The draft from the open window chilled his neck and he turned up his collar.
Right:
The draft from the open widow chilled his neck. He turned up his collar.
DIALOGUE
Stick to "said." Better to use beats (bits of action). Avoid adverbs telling how someone spoke (again better to use beats). And you cannot "smile," "giggle" or "frown" dialogue.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” she laughed. (Bad.)
She laughed. “You’ve got to be kidding.” (Good. You don’t need said if you use a beat.)
Some of my early bloopers:
“How do I come up with Ideas?” Izzy mused.
“Hey!” Jason exclaimed. “What’d I do to deserve that?”
“Holy crap!” Fred intoned.
With action beats the reader follows who is speaking without “said”:
Bruno glanced at Dee. Then, looking at Rick, made an exaggerated show of lifting his brows.
“Enough melancholy! We can’t just sit on our hands! Between the three of us—and your ascended masters—if there is a solution then we may discover it if we apply ourselves!”
Dee sighed. “No use! No man can alter what God has willed.”
COMMAS
Comma splices are often allowed when the independent clauses are closely related and short.
I ate the beef, you ate the snake.
Comma splices may also be accepted when the impact is stronger with them.
I came, I saw, I conquered.
Comma splices can make your reader focus on the mechanics of your fiction rather than the content. Correcting comma splices gives your writing polish and makes it easier for readers to follow your story, to stay lost in the fiction. Keep your readers focused on the story. Rid your writing of anything that will distract the reader from your imaginary world. Clear your manuscript of comma splices.
(Note: “then” is not a coordinating conjunction, so, grammatically, it takes a semicolon or a period, not a comma.)
One second the creature stood a few yards away; then Rick saw a blur, felt a puff of concussed air, and Talmaiel was back where he had stood a moment before, holding the generator and Wally was still suspended in the air over the ravine.
One second the creature stood a few yards away. Then Rick saw a blur, felt a puff of concussed air, and Talmaiel was back where he had stood a moment before, holding the generator and Wally was still suspended in the air over the ravine.
(However, if the independent clauses are short, it sounds more natural to use a comma or nothing.)
The dog ate the sponge, then threw up.
I stopped by the house then went to the store
PAST TENSE VS. PARTICIPLE (-ED VS -ING)
The past tense is preferable.
Drawing her sword, she turned to face her assailants.
As she drew her sword, she turned to face her assailants.
The participle, as well as as, places action at one remove from the reader. They also imply simultaneity, which is fine if two actions are really happening at the same time. But actions are usually sequential.
Solution:
She drew her sword and turned to face her assailants.
The thought of Fergi brought back an image of the last time he saw her. At Wally’s funeral. Standing under a dripping maple in a quilted black coat. The gray sky muting the emerald flecks in her dark-brown eyes. The streak in her auburn hair—more platinum than silver--adding a glamor, a mystery, a heroic melancholy that made him desire her more than ever.
The thought of Fergi brought back an image of the last time he saw her. At Wally’s funeral. She stood under a dripping maple in a quilted black coat. The gray sky muted the emerald flecks in her dark-brown eyes. The streak in her auburn hair—more platinum than silver--added a glamor, a mystery, a heroic melancholy that made him desire her more than ever.
Returning to his guard position, Da Silva circled the point of his blade. Rick kept his steady, not knowing from which direction the next attack might come.
You can’t return your sword to en guard and circle the point of the blade simultaneously. The actions are sequential. Solution:
Da Silva returned to his guard position, circled the point of his blade. Rick kept his steady, not knowing from which direction the next attack might come.
However, if two actions are simultaneous the participle is legit:
His chains, so long a part of him, fell away. He didn’t have to be told twice to heed the invitation. Scuttling on hands and feet, he climbed toward the sun.
(Note: Here climbing toward the sun is the idea to be stressed. How Azazel climbs is subordinate; therefore, “scuttling” gets the participle. That’s another reason to use past tense predominantly: participles imply subordinate ideas.)
Another example of simultaneity:
Driving with his siren and emergency lights off as they headed back to the station house, he’d run a red light.
ELIMINATE UNNECESSAY BEING VERBS
It was a ghastly trip home.
The trip home was ghastly.
As if he was aware she was watching, his head turned, his eyes seeking.
As if aware she was watching, he turned his head, his eyes seeking.
He knew he was getting close when he saw the anemones, columbines and violets spring back unblemished following his passage.
He knew he was close when he saw the anemones, columbines and violets spring back unblemished following his passage.
Mr. Greeley looked up from the report. There was a look in his face that said he wasn’t pleased.
Mr. Greeley looked up from the report. His frown said he wasn’t pleased.
There was anger in his watchful eyes, but also a sadness that suggested he’d suffered loss and shouldered great responsibility.
(Here I stayed with “There was.” Sometimes it just feels right. And if you don’t vary your sentence structure you become monotonous.)
AVOID USE OF “SEEMED” OR “APPEARED
"Seems," madam? Nay, it is; I know not "seems." Hamlet to Gertrude.
As he watched, it seemed as if the stars grew brighter, as if they were being drawn down to the physical plane from some unknown dimension.
As he watched, the stars seemed to grow brighter, as if they were being drawn down to the physical plane from some unknown dimension.
As he watched, the stars grew brighter, as if they were being drawn down to the physical plane from some unknown dimension. (Clearest and most concise of all.)
Seemed plus infinitive is clumsy:
The smell seemed to be coming from the kitchen.
The smell came from the kitchen.
The pool of blood around his head seemed to confirm the prognosis.
The pool of blood around his head confirmed the prognosis.
If visual, use “appeared” instead of “seemed”:
The woman seemed as ethereal as any faerie stepped from the pages of an illustrated book.
The woman appeared as ethereal as any faerie stepped from the pages of an illustrated book.
Apparently, whatever was happening was beyond his control.
Whatever was happening seemed beyond his control.
(I could have written, Whatever was happening was beyond his control, but kept “seemed” because, ultimately, my protagonist does take control, so this is foreshadowing.)
CUT UNNECESSARY WORDS THAT ARE UNDERSTOOD
The voice came from behind her.
The voice came from behind.
It felt good to share a laugh with his oldest acquaintance, but he sobered as a thought occurred to him.
It felt good to share a laugh with his oldest acquaintance, but he sobered as a thought occurred.
CUT UNNECESSARY USE OF “THAT” AND “THEN”
I heard that the circus is coming to town.
I heard the circus is coming to town.
Rick blinked. His rational mind told him that his brain was playing tricks on him, that the stored-up guilt and trauma from last Christmas were taking their toll on him, yet the fact that his scalp was crawling and the hair on his arms was standing on end and rippling as if caught in an electric current told him that something very wrong indeed had just happened.
Rick blinked. His rational mind whispered his brain was playing tricks, the stored-up guilt and trauma from last Christmas were taking their toll, yet the fact that his scalp was crawling and the hair on his arms standing and rippling as if caught in an electric current told him something very wrong indeed had just happened.
The building was like a palace. Margreet led her down a hallway past tall oak doors, then down a sweeping marble staircase, then outside where they descended more steps into a garden.
The building was like a palace. Margreet led her down a hallway past tall oak doors, down a sweeping marble staircase, and outside where they descended more steps into a garden.
BEGAN TO, STARTED TO
This structure works only if you want to show an action beginning to take place:
Almost lovingly, he cupped the Artificer’s head and drew him closer and bent his face to where a vein in his throat throbbed beneath blue skin and began to feed.
“Free will!” Wagging a finger, Bruno bounced to his feet and began to pace.
The Crown began to glow and grew brighter until it seemed a silvery radiance in the shape of the triune moon floated in the air before the door.
Otherwise, use the simple past tense:
His clothes were soon soaked and he began to shiver from the night chill.
His clothes were soon soaked and he shivered from the night chill.
They drove for hours. The clouds broke, letting in patches of blue sky and the day grew warmer. Past Little Rock the flat lands of the Arkansas delta gave way to the rolling foothills of the Ouachita Mountains and sometime after Hot Springs the generator pulled south and they left U.S. 70 for a two-lane blacktop that wound through dense pines.
Past Little Rock the flat lands of the Arkansas delta gave way to the rolling foothills of the Ouachita Mountains, and sometime after Hot Springs the generator pulled south and they left U.S. 70 for a two-lane blacktop that wound through dense pines. The clouds broke, revealing patches of blue sky and the day grew warmer.
(Sometimes, instead of rewriting the telling line, just drop it and rearrange the rest. If that doesn’t work, write a new version.)
(Note below, I do begin by telling—Summary Mode—to avoid the “suddenly” the chronological order might involve. Also, emotional reaction is intensified. Never use an apathetic reaction.)
Draft:
The tall man felt the shock of the offspring’s demise and knew that the boy had destroyed them.
He was in his tent taking lunch: a tremendous platter of slathered barbequed beef and potato salad, accompanied by beer and a peach cobbler for desert. He had developed a fondness for Western cuisine. Nothing like the spicy dishes of the East but entertaining. Outside, speakers blasted rock and roll and from up the road came the roar of bikers ripping up the tarmac.
Concerned, he wiped his mouth and hands on his napkin, rose and went to his trunk.
Revision:
The tall man felt the shock of the offspring’s demise and knew the boy had destroyed them.
He was in his tent taking lunch: a tremendous platter of slathered barbequed beef and potato salad, accompanied by beer and a peach cobbler for desert. He had developed a fondness for Western cuisine. Nothing like the spicy dishes of the East but entertaining. Outside, riffs of heavy metal wailed over the camp. From up the road came the roar of bikers ripping up the tarmac, racing each other much as Arabian and Mongolian horse warriors had done for thousands of years.
The change hit him like a fist. He sat bolt upright. When he recovered, he swiped his hands on a napkin and went to his trunk.
THE “KNOWN” AND THE “NEW”
To make your paragraphs more cohesive, begin with what is already known, then introduce new information. The Known and the New is also a great way to link chapters, provide continuing conflict and intensify emotion.
Emotions are usually powerfully negative when they carry over from action to reaction scenes. Or a scene may go from worried or fearful to elated. The next scene can begin elated only to have that positive feeling crushed either by doubts, a negative turn of events or a nasty revelation.
If a chapter ends with a couple having a blow up. The following chapter must pick up where the previous chapter left off emotionally. Here the following chapter shows my character at work.
Draft:
The Saturday evening crowd was quieter than usual. Even the college boys in the big corner booth who usually gave her grief were subdued. The reason was obvious.
The woman sat alone in a window booth, (etc)
(Note, no reference to Fergi’s emotional state. No reference to her residual anger.)
Revision:
Fergi was still fuming at work an hour later.
Another example: At the end of a chapter, my viewpoint character undergoes a frightening experience. The next time we see her we expect to experience her reaction. If I opened her next viewpoint scene with her quickly getting over her terror, I lose all tension.
She remembered the notebook bursting into flame and felt a stab of fear.
In the cooling air of the garden, Fergi’s nausea passed. She was full of questions but speechless with the shock of seeing the image from Rick’s notebook—the serpent eye of his dream—come alive. After the horrors she had experienced in the past year and the withering cold of the shadow looming over her in their kitchen, she should be immune to such wonders, but she found herself terrified and wandering in a fog.
The Lady took her arm and guided her to a bench within a trellised bower of climbing roses. The flowers’ scent was heady and calming.
(Note how “nausea passed” and “the flowers’ scent was calming” loses the chance to make emotion more intense!)
She remembered the notebook bursting into flame and felt sick to her stomach.
In the cooling air of the garden, Fergi’s illness slowly passed. The motes of white light that swirled in her vision, the roar in her head faded. She realized she had just undergone a full-blown panic attack. Despite the sunshine and the birdsong, the garden no longer seemed a bright place, as if a shadow had crept over the world and it would never be bright again. Questions like a flock of frantic caged birds beat in her throat, but she was speechless with the shock of seeing the image from Rick’s notebook—the serpent eye of his dream—come alive. After the horrors she had experienced in the past year and the withering cold of the shadow looming over her in their kitchen, she should be immune to such wonders, but she found herself terrified and staggering through a fog.
The Lady guided her to a bench within a trellised bower of climbing roses. The flowers’ scent was cloying and her nausea threatened to erupt again.
(Showing takes more words but is more exciting to read.)
HOW TO EXPAND A SCENE
First “showing” instead of “telling” will expand a scene. Link showing to emotion in action, dialogue, physical display and mental state. In a reaction scene, link emotional transition to the analytical process.
Draft:
A Detective Martin warned them not to speak to reporters about the crime scene and gave them his card. From the look on the policeman’s face, Rick figured this wasn’t the first such scene the police had visited. He was dying to tell someone about the shadow but was afraid of endangering them. It was as if he was caught in his own personal web and anyone else falling in was doomed. He had to know if others had seen what he had or if his sanity had taken a hike.
So next morning, on his way to pick up curtain rods, he stopped off at McDonald’s and Googled shadow corpse desiccated eviscerated feeding cadaver…and came up with:
Revision:
A Detective Martin warned them not to speak to reporters about the crime scene and gave them his card. His face was pale and the circles under his eyes told Rick this wasn’t the first such scene the police had visited.
Rick kept what he saw to himself. The police would be looking for a rational--human—explanation for the bodies. If he told them he believed the killer was an eight-foot-tall shadow that walked through walls, they’d think him unhinged. But he was certain he was right. One night a dead man issues a warning; the next a creature from nightmare appears in a room where a young woman has been brutally murdered, her remains curled in the bottom of the tub like some crumbling mummy though she had died within the hour.
He’d wasn’t superstitious, but after tonight, he wondered if perhaps there was something to vampires. Had he seen the source that spawned the legends?
And the woman from the flea market? Who was she? He touched his tunic, felt the crystal beneath the fabric. It had saved him. Without it, would he be like the girl, his body stretched like rags over his skeleton, hands like dead birds, face crumpled as if in a state of advanced decay?
He and Mack rode back to the station in silence. Mack, an ex-Army medic with eight years on the Memphis EMS, sat pale and slack-mouthed as Rick drove slowly, his hands locked on the steering wheel, his shoulders hunched, his head roaring with questions and visions. The need to tell someone about the dead man’s warning, about the shadow, was eating him alive.
Maybe Fergi was right! Maybe they should run! But he got the feeling it was too late, time was running out and there was nowhere to run. Worse was the fear that he would endanger anyone he told. He felt caught in his own personal web and anyone falling in with him was doomed. He had to know if others had seen the shadow or if his sanity had taken a hike.
So next morning, on his way to pick up curtain rods, he stopped off at McDonald’s and Googled shadow corpse desiccated eviscerated feeding cadaver…and came up with:
FILTERING WORDS
Filter words are verbs that create psychic distance. They come between you and the reader. It is better to show than to tell, and filtering words tell.
Some examples are see, hear, think, touch, smell, wonder, realize, watch, look, seem, feel, worry, fear, decide, sound, know, notice, note, to be able to, seem to be able to, appear, consider, hope, realize, decide.
Do not tell:
She felt afraid or She was terrified.
Instead show the emotion through the character’s senses:
An iron band squeezed her heart. Her hands shook. A wave of heat washed over her. The creature was close. She felt its breath on her throat.
Especially eliminate filtering phrases such as He/She felt, realized, sensed, decided, considered, wondered, etc., followed by “that.”
Realized:
Now that he faced the demon, he realized he had no plan.
Now that he faced the demon, he had no plan.
He realized the Sorcerer was summoning something from the turbulence at his back.
The Sorcerer was summoning something from the turbulence at his back.
Occasionally, “realized” makes better sense—when the act of realization itself is important:
He had not realized till now how much mankind stood to lose: not just the world or life, but his Destiny.
Moths of panic beat in his chest when he realized his mistake.
Saw:
He went to the window. In the street below, he saw people waving signs and chanting “Stop the War” gathered in the square. But then he saw them turning, suddenly aware something was happening. And now the police poured in from adjoining streets.
He went to the window. People waving signs and chanting “Stop the war” were gathered in the square. Abruptly the chanting stopped, signs lowered, as the crowd grew aware something was happening. Police poured in from adjoining streets.
Felt:
Sarah felt a sinking feeling as she realized she’d forgotten her purse back at the cafe across the street. She saw cars filing past, their bumpers end-to-end. She heard the impatient honk of horns and wondered how she could quickly cross the busy road before someone took off with her bag. But the traffic seemed impenetrable, and she decided to run to the intersection at the end of the block.
Sarah’s stomach sank. Her purse—she’d forgotten it back at the cafe across the street. Cars filed past, their bumpers end-to-end. Horns honked impatiently. Could she make it across the road before someone took off with her bag? She ran past the impenetrable stream of traffic, toward the intersection at the end of the block.
Sometimes you do want a filter word. Sometimes you want to show your viewpoint character seeing or hearing or wondering, usually to show the emotional reaction:
He watched the kids play basketball.
She heard the radio, but the noise didn’t register in her mind.
The professor gasped as a clawed hand seized his throat. Over the blood-roar that filled his head, Wally was dimly aware of people screaming and running, of chairs clattering to the ground as the audience stormed the auditorium doors. For a paralyzing moment, he watched Kasparek slump in the giant’s hand. The man’s mouth gaped in a silent scream, and as if caught by a time-lapse camera, his face shrank inward on itself, his body shriveled and his clothes collapsed.
CAUSE BEFORE EFFECT
Wrong:
Fear streaked up his spine when he saw the snake.
Right:
He saw the snake. Fear streaked up his spine.
Use “then” instead of “and” connecting actions that are not simultaneous:
Wrong:
She called 911, went to the car, and drove to the hospital.
Right:
She called 911, went to the car, then drove to the hospital.
Wrong:
The draft from the open window chilled his neck and he turned up his collar.
Right:
The draft from the open widow chilled his neck. He turned up his collar.
DIALOGUE
Stick to "said." Better to use beats (bits of action). Avoid adverbs telling how someone spoke (again better to use beats). And you cannot "smile," "giggle" or "frown" dialogue.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” she laughed. (Bad.)
She laughed. “You’ve got to be kidding.” (Good. You don’t need said if you use a beat.)
Some of my early bloopers:
“How do I come up with Ideas?” Izzy mused.
“Hey!” Jason exclaimed. “What’d I do to deserve that?”
“Holy crap!” Fred intoned.
With action beats the reader follows who is speaking without “said”:
Bruno glanced at Dee. Then, looking at Rick, made an exaggerated show of lifting his brows.
“Enough melancholy! We can’t just sit on our hands! Between the three of us—and your ascended masters—if there is a solution then we may discover it if we apply ourselves!”
Dee sighed. “No use! No man can alter what God has willed.”
COMMAS
Comma splices are often allowed when the independent clauses are closely related and short.
I ate the beef, you ate the snake.
Comma splices may also be accepted when the impact is stronger with them.
I came, I saw, I conquered.
Comma splices can make your reader focus on the mechanics of your fiction rather than the content. Correcting comma splices gives your writing polish and makes it easier for readers to follow your story, to stay lost in the fiction. Keep your readers focused on the story. Rid your writing of anything that will distract the reader from your imaginary world. Clear your manuscript of comma splices.
(Note: “then” is not a coordinating conjunction, so, grammatically, it takes a semicolon or a period, not a comma.)
One second the creature stood a few yards away; then Rick saw a blur, felt a puff of concussed air, and Talmaiel was back where he had stood a moment before, holding the generator and Wally was still suspended in the air over the ravine.
One second the creature stood a few yards away. Then Rick saw a blur, felt a puff of concussed air, and Talmaiel was back where he had stood a moment before, holding the generator and Wally was still suspended in the air over the ravine.
(However, if the independent clauses are short, it sounds more natural to use a comma or nothing.)
The dog ate the sponge, then threw up.
I stopped by the house then went to the store
PAST TENSE VS. PARTICIPLE (-ED VS -ING)
The past tense is preferable.
Drawing her sword, she turned to face her assailants.
As she drew her sword, she turned to face her assailants.
The participle, as well as as, places action at one remove from the reader. They also imply simultaneity, which is fine if two actions are really happening at the same time. But actions are usually sequential.
Solution:
She drew her sword and turned to face her assailants.
The thought of Fergi brought back an image of the last time he saw her. At Wally’s funeral. Standing under a dripping maple in a quilted black coat. The gray sky muting the emerald flecks in her dark-brown eyes. The streak in her auburn hair—more platinum than silver--adding a glamor, a mystery, a heroic melancholy that made him desire her more than ever.
The thought of Fergi brought back an image of the last time he saw her. At Wally’s funeral. She stood under a dripping maple in a quilted black coat. The gray sky muted the emerald flecks in her dark-brown eyes. The streak in her auburn hair—more platinum than silver--added a glamor, a mystery, a heroic melancholy that made him desire her more than ever.
Returning to his guard position, Da Silva circled the point of his blade. Rick kept his steady, not knowing from which direction the next attack might come.
You can’t return your sword to en guard and circle the point of the blade simultaneously. The actions are sequential. Solution:
Da Silva returned to his guard position, circled the point of his blade. Rick kept his steady, not knowing from which direction the next attack might come.
However, if two actions are simultaneous the participle is legit:
His chains, so long a part of him, fell away. He didn’t have to be told twice to heed the invitation. Scuttling on hands and feet, he climbed toward the sun.
(Note: Here climbing toward the sun is the idea to be stressed. How Azazel climbs is subordinate; therefore, “scuttling” gets the participle. That’s another reason to use past tense predominantly: participles imply subordinate ideas.)
Another example of simultaneity:
Driving with his siren and emergency lights off as they headed back to the station house, he’d run a red light.
ELIMINATE UNNECESSAY BEING VERBS
It was a ghastly trip home.
The trip home was ghastly.
As if he was aware she was watching, his head turned, his eyes seeking.
As if aware she was watching, he turned his head, his eyes seeking.
He knew he was getting close when he saw the anemones, columbines and violets spring back unblemished following his passage.
He knew he was close when he saw the anemones, columbines and violets spring back unblemished following his passage.
Mr. Greeley looked up from the report. There was a look in his face that said he wasn’t pleased.
Mr. Greeley looked up from the report. His frown said he wasn’t pleased.
There was anger in his watchful eyes, but also a sadness that suggested he’d suffered loss and shouldered great responsibility.
(Here I stayed with “There was.” Sometimes it just feels right. And if you don’t vary your sentence structure you become monotonous.)
AVOID USE OF “SEEMED” OR “APPEARED
"Seems," madam? Nay, it is; I know not "seems." Hamlet to Gertrude.
As he watched, it seemed as if the stars grew brighter, as if they were being drawn down to the physical plane from some unknown dimension.
As he watched, the stars seemed to grow brighter, as if they were being drawn down to the physical plane from some unknown dimension.
As he watched, the stars grew brighter, as if they were being drawn down to the physical plane from some unknown dimension. (Clearest and most concise of all.)
Seemed plus infinitive is clumsy:
The smell seemed to be coming from the kitchen.
The smell came from the kitchen.
The pool of blood around his head seemed to confirm the prognosis.
The pool of blood around his head confirmed the prognosis.
If visual, use “appeared” instead of “seemed”:
The woman seemed as ethereal as any faerie stepped from the pages of an illustrated book.
The woman appeared as ethereal as any faerie stepped from the pages of an illustrated book.
Apparently, whatever was happening was beyond his control.
Whatever was happening seemed beyond his control.
(I could have written, Whatever was happening was beyond his control, but kept “seemed” because, ultimately, my protagonist does take control, so this is foreshadowing.)
CUT UNNECESSARY WORDS THAT ARE UNDERSTOOD
The voice came from behind her.
The voice came from behind.
It felt good to share a laugh with his oldest acquaintance, but he sobered as a thought occurred to him.
It felt good to share a laugh with his oldest acquaintance, but he sobered as a thought occurred.
CUT UNNECESSARY USE OF “THAT” AND “THEN”
I heard that the circus is coming to town.
I heard the circus is coming to town.
Rick blinked. His rational mind told him that his brain was playing tricks on him, that the stored-up guilt and trauma from last Christmas were taking their toll on him, yet the fact that his scalp was crawling and the hair on his arms was standing on end and rippling as if caught in an electric current told him that something very wrong indeed had just happened.
Rick blinked. His rational mind whispered his brain was playing tricks, the stored-up guilt and trauma from last Christmas were taking their toll, yet the fact that his scalp was crawling and the hair on his arms standing and rippling as if caught in an electric current told him something very wrong indeed had just happened.
The building was like a palace. Margreet led her down a hallway past tall oak doors, then down a sweeping marble staircase, then outside where they descended more steps into a garden.
The building was like a palace. Margreet led her down a hallway past tall oak doors, down a sweeping marble staircase, and outside where they descended more steps into a garden.
BEGAN TO, STARTED TO
This structure works only if you want to show an action beginning to take place:
Almost lovingly, he cupped the Artificer’s head and drew him closer and bent his face to where a vein in his throat throbbed beneath blue skin and began to feed.
“Free will!” Wagging a finger, Bruno bounced to his feet and began to pace.
The Crown began to glow and grew brighter until it seemed a silvery radiance in the shape of the triune moon floated in the air before the door.
Otherwise, use the simple past tense:
His clothes were soon soaked and he began to shiver from the night chill.
His clothes were soon soaked and he shivered from the night chill.
